How to Set Boundaries with Your Ex (Even If They Don't Respect Them)
- Lisa McNally
- Aug 6
- 3 min read
Divorce may end a legal relationship, but emotional and logistical ties often continue—especially when children, property, or financial obligations are involved. And while boundaries can protect your emotional health and restore peace, what happens when your ex refuses to respect them?
As a Certified Divorce Coach, Certified Divorce Mediator, and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, I’ve worked with countless clients navigating difficult post-divorce dynamics. At Optimal Divorce Solutions, I help individuals establish boundaries that are realistic, enforceable, and aligned with their long-term well-being.
Let’s talk about how to set boundaries after divorce, even if your ex is combative, manipulative, or simply refuses to honor them.
Why Boundaries Matter After Divorce
Boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person. They’re about protecting your mental health, creating emotional clarity, and establishing structure where chaos once lived.
Key Benefits of Healthy Boundaries:
Reduced emotional reactivity
Clarity in co-parenting and communication
Stronger decision-making confidence
Safer financial and logistical transitions
Common Post-Divorce Boundary Challenges
Each client I work with brings unique post-divorce challenges, but these themes show up often:
Constant texting or calls outside co-parenting needs
Attempts to re-engage emotionally or romantically
Showing up unannounced at your home or workplace
Financial control or interference
Undermining you in front of your children
If any of these sound familiar, you’re not alone. The key is how you respond—not how they behave.
How to Set Boundaries with an Uncooperative Ex
Even when your ex doesn’t play fair, you can still build a foundation that protects your time, energy, and emotional well-being.
1. Identify Your Non-Negotiables
Be crystal clear with yourself first. What behavior is absolutely unacceptable? What drains you or keeps you stuck emotionally? These answers form the core of your boundaries.
2. Use Clear, Calm Communication
State your boundaries without blame:
"For co-parenting communication, please use OurFamilyWizard or text only for emergencies. "I’m not available for personal conversations. Let’s keep our communication focused on the kids."
Avoid emotional tone or justifications—clarity and consistency matter more.
3. Create Physical and Digital Space
Block or silence calls that aren’t urgent
Use separate email addresses for co-parenting vs. personal matters
Keep drop-offs/pickups at neutral public locations
This structure helps you stay emotionally grounded.
4. Document Disrespect or Violations
Keep a log if boundaries are being crossed. This isn’t about revenge—it’s about protection and legal clarity if court involvement becomes necessary.
5. Don’t Engage with Provocation
Not every comment or criticism deserves a response. Practice “gray rocking”—a strategy that makes you emotionally uninteresting by responding with minimal, factual replies.
6. Get Outside Support
Co-parenting coaching can offer strategies tailored to your situation
Mediation can provide a neutral ground for resetting boundaries
Therapy or support groups reinforce emotional resilience
At Optimal Divorce Solutions, I provide guidance tailored to high-conflict co-parenting, emotionally manipulative exes, and post-divorce financial entanglements.
When Legal Support May Be Necessary
Sometimes, boundaries aren’t enough. If your ex’s behavior violates a custody agreement or puts your safety at risk, it may be time to:
File for a modification of court orders
Involve your attorney or mediator
Consult a therapist trained in high-conflict dynamics
Note: I’m not an attorney, and I always encourage my clients to consult legal professionals when safety, custody, or harassment is involved. My role is to help you clarify your needs and prepare for those conversations with clarity and purpose.
How Real Estate Can Complicate Boundary Setting
Shared property or real estate decisions can blur boundaries even further. If you still co-own a home, are navigating a buyout, or are trying to relocate, the emotional and financial lines can become blurry.
As a Certified Divorce Real Estate Expert (CDRE), Licensed Real Estate Broker, and Luxury Property Specialist, I guide my clients through:
Coordinating clean property separation
Setting communication boundaries during sale or buyout
Valuing real estate assets and understanding their impact on financial independence
In high-net-worth and gray divorce cases, these conversations become even more sensitive. My goal is to simplify them.
Post-Divorce Budgeting That Actually Works
How to Create a Child-Centered Parenting Plan
Understanding Real Estate Division in Divorce
Key Takeaways
Boundaries are essential to healing and protecting your energy post-divorce
Clear, neutral communication helps prevent power struggles
Use technology and third parties to maintain consistency
Document violations and seek legal support if necessary
Real estate and finances often require extra clarity and credentialed support
If you're struggling to create or maintain boundaries with your ex, you’re not alone. Let’s build a strategy that keeps you protected, focused, and free to move forward.
Schedule your free consultation today, and let’s explore what healthy boundaries look like for your specific situation.
Lisa McNally
Certified Divorce Coach | Certified Divorce Mediator
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA®) | Certified Divorce Real Estate Expert (CDRE)
Licensed Real Estate Broker (NH & ME)
Founder, Optimal Divorce Solutions
Comments